


Moments and Time

by onceandfuturekiki



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, post ep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 19:33:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6437416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceandfuturekiki/pseuds/onceandfuturekiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events that took place while closing the rift, Keyleth considers her father, and her desire to be like him. A rough version of this was originally posted to Tumblr, but this is a far more polished and complete version.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moments and Time

Keyleth turned what her father had said to her over and over in her mind. While his message had been vague on the surface, she had known immediately what he was talking about, remembering the conversation she’d had with Vax a few nights before. And then he had addressed Vax directly, confirming her hypothesis.

Dammit. If her father could recognize exactly what was going on just by witnessing one exchange, how obvious had they been to everyone else this whole time?

The worst part was that she couldn’t even tell herself that her father didn’t understand. He did. He understood completely. He had once been in the same position she was in now, but instead of being a coward and letting his fear rule him, he had made the choice to be with her mother, to start a family, despite knowing that there was a good chance he would watch them die.

But that was precisely  _why_  she was so scared. Her father had been brave, and look what it got him. His wife had been missing for 15 years and he’d had to let his daughter go to follow that same path, uncertain if he’d ever see her again. While Keyleth’s father was incredibly strong, and not one to dwell on emotions, she had seen, even as a child, how much pain he had felt at the loss of her mother, pain that never left him, pain that renewed itself in an entirely different way when he said goodbye to her, sending his daughter away in the same way he had his wife.

She would do anything to avoid that kind of pain.

Vax was sitting next to his sister as they both worked to remove his new armor. Thank the gods for that armor. Keyleth didn’t want to think about how bad the damage could have been when he fell into the lava after closing the rift had he not had that extra protection.

Another reckless decision that could have easily ended in his death. Another reminder of how much it would hurt to love him. Of how much it  _already_ hurt to love him.

Her father’s presence startled her as he came to sit by her. “That young man is very brave,” he said after following his daughter’s gaze.

“Sometimes,” she said, looking toward the ground. “And sometimes there are other less flattering words I would use to describe him.”

“That’s only because you are afraid to lose him. Which is understandable.”

“How did you know?” she asked, feeling like the young girl who had left her father standing at the top of the mountain, waving goodbye to her as she walked off into the world.

“When he looked at you after closing that portal… it’s the way I used to look at your mother. And the way you looked at him… is the way she used to look at me.”

“If that’s the case, then why did you say what you did?”

“Because the joy is worth the pain,” he said simply.

Keyleth had always idolized her father. He was the kindest, bravest, most compassionate person she had ever known, and what she wanted more than anything was to be like him, and to make him proud. She just wasn’t sure how to do that anymore. It had been so easy when she was young, when making him proud had consisted of her being kind to those around her and excelling at her studies. Anything beyond that had been an abstract thing, some sort of intangible theory at which she just assumed she would naturally succeed.

But now making him proud meant… all of this. It was finishing her AraMente, despite how badly she had been stalling on it, despite the fact that she wasn’t certain this was her destiny. It was becoming headmaster and bringing the Ashari together, even though she was scared that she wasn’t strong enough to do that. It was following her heart instead of being a coward and letting her fear control her.

It just wasn’t something she knew she could do. Every time she thought that maybe she could let herself love Vax, let them have whatever time together the universe would allow, he would do something stupid, like rushing into a room by himself and almost getting killed, and all she could think about was the pain she remembered seeing on her father’s face, increasing every day that passed without hearing word from her mother, the pain in his eyes, hiding behind the proud smile, as he said goodbye to her, not knowing if the same fate awaited his daughter that had taken his wife.

If only she didn’t love him so much, this wouldn’t be a problem.

“You’re suffering, Keyleth,” her father’s gentle voice said, bringing her out of her thoughts.

She certainly couldn’t argue. Everything she did seemed to hurt. Just loving Vax, knowing she’d lose him, caused a heartache that increased tenfold every time that possibility presented itself. But there was a similar, far more present ache, at not being with Vax, at not being able to kiss him, to hold him, to be in his arms. At not being ab to just be  _in love_  with him and let that be okay.

“You’re suffering,” he repeated. “And right now, it’s of your own doing.”

“I’m scared,” she finally told him, a tear rolling down her cheek.

“I know.”

“You must be so disappointed in me.”

“Why would I be disappointed in you?” he asked, his voice aghast, as though such a thought would never enter his mind.

“I’m being a coward. With Vax. I know I am. And I’m being selfish. I’m keeping us from being together because I’m too scared of getting hurt,” she answered.

His hand pushed her hair off her forehead and over her shoulder in a comforting way she remembered from her childhood. “I want you to do something for me.”

“Okay,” she replied, uncertain.

“I want you to think about the time you’ve spent with him. The moments you’ve had together when you knew you loved him. The moments that made you sure of what you feel.”

Keyleth closed her eyes as she went through her memories. There was their first mission with the Take, the way her heart had unexpectedly soared when Vax had asked her if she wanted to be his wife, and how natural it felt to put her arm through his, how easily they had fallen into the guise of two people, married and in love. There was the time that Tiberius was drunk, telling her that Vax liked her, and the way she felt fluttering in her stomach, and how she’d had to struggle to keep a smile from overtaking her angry expression. There was the fun they’d had, braiding Trinket’s fur, laughing together, his rare smile seeming as though it was reserved entirely for her. There were the small moments, like all the times he had helped her with her scroll making, or her studying, or her gardening, and how she had found herself enjoying his company even when he had no idea what he was doing. There were all the times he had taken her hand in his, his warm, strong grip making her feel safe. And then, of course, there were the big, life changing moments. His confession of love in Anders’ study and the kiss that followed. The conversation at the Sun Tree that had been so awkward in the moment, but now came to mind because of the beautiful things he had said to her. The night they had only just a few night prior shared in her room back at the Keep. They’d held each other, exchanging lazy kisses as they whispered sweet, comforting words to each other.

There were also the moments that hurt. Seeing him lying on the grass outside of the palace, unsure if he was alive. Watching as he fell to the ground in Anders’ study, blood flowing out of his body as more splattered around the room. Just today, watching him jump through the air toward the rift, unsure if he would make it. Each moment, and every other moment liked them, pierced her heart so deeply, it had to be love.                                                                                                                                                        

“Which are the moments that you called to mind first? Which are the moments that mean the most to you?” she heard her father ask.

The happy moments. The moments where she wasn’t just sure that she loved Vax, but when she felt so loved in return.

Without waiting for her answer, Kohren continued, “Those are the moments that matter. And those are the moments that will get you through the pain when the worst does happen. If I hadn’t had those moments with your mother, if I hadn’t allowed myself those moments, I don’t know how I would have survived losing her. And the more you have, the easier it is.”

Keyleth thought about all those instances and how, in those moments, she hadn’t been scared of losing Vax. She had been existing in the moment itself, existing in the feeling of being loved, and giving her love in return.

“I don’t want to see you condemning yourself to a life of loneliness. That isn’t a life at all. It’s a slow and lonely death,” Kohren said, his voice sober and firm.

She looked back over to Vax, who was now out of his armor, looking at his hands as his sister walked away from him. His gaze drifted over her, and their eyes locked. He had the same defeated, lost expression that he’d had ever since the night Keyleth had told him of her fears. She hated that look, the sadness in it, and the she hated the fact that she was the one that caused it.

All she wanted to do was make him happy. And he knew that he felt the same toward her.

Without speaking to her father, she stood and walked over to Vax, her nervousness and sudden happiness and certainty quickening her step. The closer she came, the more she could see the hope growing in his eyes.            

“Hi,” she said, stopping in front of him.

“Hi,” he said back, his voice quiet and guarded.

“Come with me,” she said, reaching he hand out to him. Vax eyed it for a moment, unsure, before slowly taking it, unfolding himself as she pulled on his arm and led him over to her father. As they approached Kohren, Keyleth could feel Vax begin to hesitate, but she just kept walking, pulling along behind her. Finally, they came to a stop in front of her father.

“Daddy,” she said, squeezing the hand that held onto hers, tight and sweating, while smiling at her father. “This is Vax.” Her gaze shifted to the man beside her, melting into a soft, adoring look. “I love him.”

Vax’s eyes widened as his brow climbed up his forehead and his mouth opened in surprise. Keyleth’s smile grew, the giddiness at her words overtaking her, mingling with the affection she felt for Vax and the amusement she felt watching him, his mouth continuing to open and close without a sound. Slowly, the corners of his lips started to creep up, forming a smile, though his wide eyes and a trace of confusion remained.

Kohren allowed himself a small grin as he asked, “What about you, young man? Do you love my daughter?”

“Fuck, yes, I do,” Vax breathed out taking a step closer to Keyleth.

“Vax!” she yelped, a nervous giggle escaping her as the smile morphed into embarrassed shock as she looked between Vax and her father.

A deep chuckle coming from his throat, Kohren merely stood, smiling at the younger man, clapping a hand to his shoulder. “Good boy,” he said, before walking away from the pair, a smile stretching over his face.

“I’m sorry, I know I’m an idiot, I just…” Vax trailed off, still stunned.

“It’s okay,” Keyleth responded with a confused smile. “He didn’t seem to mind.”

He reached out to take her other hand, pulling her to face him fully. “Does this mean…?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Yes. It does.”

Vax’s smile finally took over the whole of his face, breaking into a brightness she had never seen on him before. She found herself smiling back just as wide, her cheeks and jaw aching at the joyful strain.

He pulled her closer to him, until he could touch his forehead to hers, one of his hands coming up to trace his fingers over her jaw, her cheek, her lips, a touch of disbelief still in his smile.

“I’m not…” Keyleth started, stalling as her heartbeat picked up and her eyes started to sting. “I’m not saying I’m not still scared. I’m terrified. I’m just… more terrified of the idea of never being with you.”

A happy, relieved tear escaped one of her eyes as Vax pressed his lips to hers, soft, but with the insistence of someone who had been waiting for far too long. Keyleth knew the feeling, and answered with the same insistence, parting her lips ad taking his lower lip between them, pulling herself closer, her hands clenching into the back of his shirt. Vax’s hands gripped her face more firmly, tilting her head to change the angle and deepen the kiss. She pressed back against him enthusiastically, not remembering that they were surrounded by their friends and multiple Ashari – including her father – until she felt his tongue run along the upper lip.

Pulling away from him, she giggled as her cheeks turned pink, hiding her face in his chest.

As she pulled away, lowering her head, his hands moved away from her jaw, brushing over her cheeks and then to the back of her head, where he gently stroked the hair there. “Um, did I do something…?” Vax ventured, puzzled.

“No, it’s just that… uh… I’d rather not have an audience for this?” she responded, her voice high and embarrassed.

He looked around them as he was hit with the sudden realization that, yes, they were doing this in front of a lot of people. Very few people were watching them, but more than a few people were being a bit too obvious in their disinterest, giving him the impression that they had been  _very_  interested just moments before. Most of the Ashari seemed to have not noticed their embrace, or cared, but there were a few who were pointedly looking at the ground, avoiding his gaze. And, of course, there party had seen it all, and weren’t really putting forth an effort to pretend they hadn’t. Scanlan was openly gawking, a crooked smile covering his face, his brow arched suggestively, and when Vax caught his eye the gnome nodded, as though gesturing for him to continue. Next to him, Grog looked confused as he watched, saying something quietly to Scanlan, and then responding to whatever answer he got with a loud, “Since when?” Only Percy had the decency to look away, his eyes on his gun as he wiped it down, tinkering with bits here and there, but the blatant grin on his face gave him away.

As for his sister… Vex had gone to sit by Percy when she’d walked away from him, and had let Trinket out of his crystal so she could lean against him as she settled down for the night. She was staring at Vax and Keyleth with no hint of shame or propriety, one brow arched and a smirk stretching her lips.

“Sorry,” he breathed out on a whisper as he moved his hands down her back so he could wrap his arms around her waist and pull her into a proper embrace. “I forgot they were here.”

Keyleth finally turned her face up to his, a faint crimson still covering her cheeks. “Me too.”

They chuckled together for a moment before Keyleth moved her head back to his chest, this time not out of embarrassment and a desire to hide, but to let him hold her for a bit longer. As he held her, Vax’s eyes swept over the group again, this time finding Keyleth’s father. For a moment he froze, worried about his reaction, only to be filled with relief when the older man smiled and nodded at him, before turning away with the rest of the Ashari to return to their own camp.

“I love you,” he whispered into her ear as he watched her father walk away.

Her arms tightened around him, pressing a kiss to his neck. “I love you. Just…” he felt her breath on his neck as she spoke, sending sparks of electricity under his skin, through his toes and back up again. “Try to be more careful from now on? Please? I know I can’t let my fear keep me from being happy, but I’d really rather not be scared  _all the time_.” She pulled back then to look into his eyes, and he could see the fear there, and the desperation. “We’re going to have a good, long time together. Okay?”

“Okay,” he answered back. “I promise.” He was surprised how easy it was to make that promise and  _mean_  it. It’s not that he’d never had anything to live for prior to this. He’d never want to leave Vex alone, dealing with the pain of his death. But knowing how real the fear was for Keyleth, knowing exactly how unique and long-lasting the pain would be if his rash, thoughtless recklessness ended up getting him killed, he was stunned to find that he absolutely meant it, that there was no guile in his words.

He would stay safe, just as her father had requested. For her.


End file.
